I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
We had to coat check the pizza.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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