He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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