I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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