I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
