I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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