spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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