Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
