accomplished twins. life is a go
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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