I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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