I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
