Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
