I wish my penis had an off switch
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
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