i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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