this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
