Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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