I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
