I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
