i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
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Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
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Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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