Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
