He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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