I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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