she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
