I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
what day is it and did you see me today?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
