so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
