Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
