This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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