I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
