For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
