My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
