i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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