The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
