she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
