he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
