I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
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