the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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