After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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