are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
i've created a new STD.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
