there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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