somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
