apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
