this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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