Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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