It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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