How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
