Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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