You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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