OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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