everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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