Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
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I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
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WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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