ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I think my vagina is haunted
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
