why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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