So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
