you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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