You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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