it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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