I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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