did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
