I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
