I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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