i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
