i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
