hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
