He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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