my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
