Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
