I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
