I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Send help, water and tortillas.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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