Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
