I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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